Saturday, March 21, 2009

If Only

I have always tried to steer clear off musing over the past, because what i get off it is a heavy heart and it just makes me so miserable. It's absolutely unhealthy and well... what's come to pass has come to pass, right? There's no way in hell we can go back and undo what we've done nor can we bring back what we've lost because of bad decisions or take back what we've said at the heat of the moment. What we can do is move on, learn from our errs, and do our best not to repeat or worse, outdo our past mistakes. But.... lol.... I just love to rain on my own parade, kick myself in the butt and reminisce on how badly I screwed up my life. Sounds kinda twisted but the only way for me to move on is to constantly remind myself of the situations where I made a very bad call and hope that in the future, I would make a wiser decision and choose the right thing, whether the signs are either inconspicuous or just too damn blatant that it's staring at me right in the face, begging for me to notice and take heed. So.. here's my list of if only's....

If only.... I listened to my mother when she sat me down and told me not to engage in a serious relationship at such an early age.
If only.... I had more backbone and stood up against my parent's haranguing about what degree I should take when I was entering college and fought for what I really wanted, which is Psychology.
If only.... I had looked myself in the mirror intently instead of avoiding any eye contact whenever I passed a full length mirror and noticed I was growing dangerously fast sideways.
If only.... I watched what I was eating and realized it's not vanity to count the amount of calories on the food I shoveling into my mouth.
If only.... I said "no" the first time my friend passed me a cigarette when I was in high school.
If only.... I said "no" again to that friend who passed my my first shot of gin when I was in high school, or had enough willpower to smile and say I'd rather not.
If only.... I took better care of my skin when I was younger.
If only.... I wasn't afraid to tread uncharted waters and let go of my security blanket.
If only.... I didn't start preoccupying myself with this online game I'm currently hooked into.
If only.... I didn't start talking to this guy I met on this online game, who only used me to do the mundane stuffs he was too busy to do on his own.
If only.... I quit for good and uninstalled this game off my pc when I took a break from this online game.
If only.... I again.. didn't start talking to this other guy I met on this online game who, I thought was completely different from the first guy I met. Turns out, it's the same old product, it just came with a different packaging.
If only.... I didn't wear my heart out on my sleeve with this guy and just took the situation the way it was: we are playing an online game, and everything that went on between us was just part of the game. I turned off the cynic in me and took a chance with this guy, and guess what i got: a broken heart and a tiara that says FOOL.
Now you'd all be thinking, girl, you better learn a thing from those two bastards u met online but NO! haha guess what, there's another one...
If only.... I learned from my terrible mistake of falling for someone who i met in game (retches) and didn't start having these "conversations" with another guy from that stupid game. This time it's even worse, I tried to take this guy lightly, but boy, was I wrong to think I can stop myself from making a fool of myself for the 3rd time. I guess a fool will always be a fool. And how he got through me. Broke down all the walls I put up, and when he wore down my defenses, when I was so into him, and believed that he might actually be different, it turns out i just kissed another frog that remained a frog instead of turning into a prince. The promises he made, were just empty ones. The plans we made, were just spur of the moments. He changes his mind as often as a girl changes clothes, as Katie Perry best puts it.
If only.... I held steadfast to my sensibility and constantly did reality checks so I would be grounded and avoided getting swept away by these idiotic ideations that it's possible for two people to work out a relationship which has stemmed from such an unrealistic setting which is online and in game.
And lastly....
If only.... I had worked harder on making things happen, instead of getting all wallowed up in procrastination, waiting for opportunities and dreaming of finer things but getting held back by the fear taking the first step and stepping out of my comfort zone.

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