Tuesday, July 21, 2009

An Excerpt Of My Conversation With Him


him (7/20/2009 12:05:03 PM): naww
him(7/20/2009 12:05:14 PM): im afraid i might hurt u
me(7/20/2009 12:05:28 PM): hurt me? in what way?
him(7/20/2009 12:05:50 PM): like im scared im not wat u seeking
him(7/20/2009 12:05:57 PM): i like datn
him(7/20/2009 12:06:20 PM): not lookn to marry intill a few years
me(7/20/2009 12:06:44 PM): hmm.... well, i'm not seeking anything in particular
him(7/20/2009 12:06:50 PM): scared if u fall 4 mee to hard'
him(7/20/2009 12:06:55 PM): i might hurt u
me(7/20/2009 12:08:01 PM): hmm... idk what to say
him(7/20/2009 12:08:07 PM): hihihi
me(7/20/2009 12:08:17 PM): but idk lol i like u, and that's how i feel
him(7/20/2009 12:08:20 PM): im just worrryn 4 ya thats all
me(7/20/2009 12:08:25 PM): lol
me(7/20/2009 12:08:43 PM): well... i've been through a lot, i'll get by ;p
him(7/20/2009 12:08:52 PM): k babe'
him(7/20/2009 12:10:34 PM): i like u like crazyyy and never would wanta hurt u
me(7/20/2009 12:10:54 PM): we got a good thing going, don't worry about getting hurt, getting hurt is part of life


Now I dunno why i said that last bit. Perhaps I was lying to him and to myself, trying to put up a brave front, like I didn't care or I was just being defensive and put up a facade of not expecting too much from this relationship. But as we said our goodbyes, I felt this dull ache on my chest. No, i wasn't having angina, nor was I having a heart attack. It felt like my heart was breaking. What's worse with this, is that no amount of morphine can take the pain away. It would, for the remainder of it's peak serum level, but once it wears off, the pain will only get worse.

I wanna kick myself for saying all those things. That's not how I feel now. But I guess the fool will always be a fool. My pride took over, and I don't want to admit to him that what he said can happen. I refuse to admit to him, or to myself, that he could indeed get me hurt. Right now, I'm dazed. Little Miss I-Got-A-Plan-B is stuck and doesn't know where to go. I want to hang on, live by what I said that we have a good thing going. But if it's going nowhere, why should I stick around? I want to, my emotions are dictating me to do so because truth be told, I have fallen for him. But my head's telling me to get the hell out of this situation and save myself from getting hurt. Any level headed person would save themselves, but I'm a fool when it comes to love. So yeah, bump my head to the wall, better make it twice, hopefully apart from me getting a concussion, it'll knock some sense into me.

8 comments:

Juan Pablo said...

Thanks for the comment!

Good luck with your situation! I hope it all ends up well, you seem to be a very caring person but we all need to put ourselves first every once and a while to be happy, keep writing about it!!

twinsouls888 said...

Everything happens for a reason. :) I think you're a strong person & you will pass this challenge with flying colors ^_^

ChiChi81 said...

thanks guys ;) reading up comments like this is really empowering and I'll definitely keep writing about this.

Laiza said...

OMG! That deep ha? Patay na.inluv na dyud ka teh.Don't worry gurl just be brave..hehehe like my moto --- "Be brave, even if ur not, pretend to be" He just doesn't know what he's going to miss if he gives up on u. Ingat Wi!
Mwahh!

Savvy Mode SG said...

Ah sorry. You need to take care of yourself. Often we all try to be brave or keeping a strong front but it is okay to let go once in a while.

ChiChi81 said...

@Laiza: yeah, can u believe that? lol na-inluv na unta ko unya palpak pa jud hahaha bwiset... and yeah, I'm pickin up the pieces, and I'm tryin to be brave and tryin' to be strong, plus I'm preoccupying myself with the night bazaar at MTS, and it helps, in a way.

@Savvy_Mode_SG: thanks for the comment, i appreciate you sharing your thoughts about my situation. atm, i'm tryin to divert my attention onto other more productive things but yeah, late at night, i think about it and it saddens me. that's the time i let go and allow myself to grieve.

ChiChi81 said...

@Laiza: yeah, can u believe that? lol na-inluv na unta ko unya palpak pa jud hahaha bwiset... and yeah, I'm pickin up the pieces, and I'm tryin to be brave and tryin' to be strong, plus I'm preoccupying myself with the night bazaar at MTS, and it helps, in a way.

@Savvy_Mode_SG: thanks for the comment, i appreciate you sharing your thoughts about my situation. atm, i'm tryin to divert my attention onto other more productive things but yeah, late at night, i think about it and it saddens me. that's the time i let go and allow myself to grieve.

Juan Pablo said...

Thanks for the comment!

Good luck with your situation! I hope it all ends up well, you seem to be a very caring person but we all need to put ourselves first every once and a while to be happy, keep writing about it!!