Friday, April 9, 2010

no turning back

Looking back at how I lived my life, I’d say I enjoyed every moment of it. I was carefree, lived life with such ease and total freedom. You would think it was a perfect life. I would so too… Until I came to this point where I regret living the way I did. I focused so much in living life by having fun, I forgot to think and prepare for the future. And now, I feel like I’ve lost too many opportunities to prepare myself in facing the challenges of the real world, the world that’s beyond the sheltered box I lived in. It’s a harsh world out there, and I just had my first taste of how bitter it is. When I look at myself now, I feel disappointed and ashamed. Most of the people my age have done something significant with their lives, while I have waned away living so recklessly and easily, yet with nothing to my name. Now, too little too late, I’m trying to make something out of myself, but the world doesn’t wait for those who have been complacent. It goes on, leaving those who can’t catch up or those who procrastinated behind. I am one of those people. Unfair, but since when was life ever fair? It’s always changing, one day things seems to be going smoothly and in a split-second, it could go awry, and things don’t always fall according to plan. For so long, things were in my control, because I didn’t take risks. I had a fallback, a comfort zone, and leaving that zone never crossed my mind. Until now. A little too late for such a realization, if I may add. Now that I’ve left that zone, I am barraged by a multitude of uncertainties. Nothing is within my control. It makes me feel like I’ve made the wrong decision sometimes but then I’m already into it. I have reached the point where I can’t turn back, I could but then that would make me even more pathetic than I already am. And I made a decision to make something out of myself, something that I can proud of, something that others can be proud of. But then again, I didn’t prepare myself well enough to face these. once again, I proved to myself that I didn’t assess the whole situation carefully. It makes me ask this question, was this whole plunging into reality and leaving my comfort zone a commitment to make something out of myself or was this another manifestation of my impulsive nature? I put so much in the line for this, and now that I’ve reached this far, it scares the very core of me to even consider the thought of not making it. If I didn’t’ succeed with this, I would be a disgrace, not just to my family but to myself. I am terrified of the consequences if I failed with this endeavor. it feels like I bit off more than I can chew, but what can I do? I am into this whole thing already, I have no choice but to move on. I owe it to myself, to finally do something meaningful, to achieve something tangible, not just the accolades I’ve garnered. This time, I need to prove something. And the thought of me not living up to what is expected of me terrifies me. Failure is not an option here, I can’t fail, I must not fail, I should not fail because if I did, then not only did I waste money, time and resources, I wasted my life. And I can’t even begin to think where I’d start picking up the pieces of myself if I failed at the very end of what I’ve worked so hard and so long to reach. I bet everything on this, I went all in and stand to lose everything. No wonder I hated gambling. This is the first gamble I ever took in my life, and it scares the hell out of me.

3 comments:

Kai said...

Found this blog while searching for defensive pessimism. All I can wish is, while cliched, ignore what the world thinks and try and push forward your own path. While the world may seem like a scary place, at the end of the day, it's not impossible to break into.

ChiChi81 said...

Thanks for the well-wishes Kai. What you just said gives me the strength to keep doing my own thing. It may be cliched, but it's true. If I keep letting what others think of get to me, I'd keep disappointing myself cuz at the end of the day, you can't please everyone.

ChiChi81 said...

Thanks for the well-wishes Kai. What you just said gives me the strength to keep doing my own thing. It may be cliched, but it's true. If I keep letting what others think of get to me, I'd keep disappointing myself cuz at the end of the day, you can't please everyone.