Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Ghost of The Past: The Case of the Ex

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The ghost of the past always has this infuriating way of haunting you. In my case, it's always when I got something good going on in my life or when I'm about to embark on something new. I guess it's a test of my conviction to change, to see if my new-found optimism has, by any chance, really changed my perspective?

So here's the sob story, the case of the ex. This bad case of the ex is not your conventional relationship. Even though I am too embarrassed to admit this but yes... I met this guy online about 3 years ago. Ugh *cringes* >.<" That should've been a red flag already but I guess I got so caught up with my new-found freedom (I just broke up with my long term bf a few months before I met him) that I totally ignored the warning signs, allowed myself to be swept away and eventually got entangled with the complexities of long distance online relationships.

Needless to say, the ending was unfavourable. We didn't officially break up, the relationship just withered away. For more than 2 years, we tried to make it work, or when I look back, I did most of the trying, but ultimately, it didn't survive. We always had each other's mobile numbers, neither of us changed our personal line and I was totally floored when, out of the blue, I receive a text message from him. After all those months of silence, he starts texting me. And silly me, I yielded, mostly because I was curious as to how he was doing. So we started being friendly again via IM's.

At first, it was good, it felt like catching up with an old friend. We both couldn't bring ourselves to talk about what went wrong between us, though there are instances of passive-aggressiveness on my part, but still, we continued to communicate.He's been going through some rough times and was feeling quite hopeless. And being the nice person that I was, I kept on encouraging him, urging him not give up, even to the point that I was helping him figure out a way for him to go back to college. We started out as friends, and I was just trying to be a friend to him because he needed one. In all fairness to him, he had been a friend to me as well and I felt the sincerity of his concern during the time when I went through that horrible incident a month ago.

The conflict of the story came about a few weeks ago. There we were, casually chatting about the weather (yes, the weather), when he mentioned he wished his girl was there with him. It raised my eyebrows, because he never mentioned that to me. I asked him how long he's been seeing this girl, and he said almost 3 years now. The moment he said that, I felt a surge of pain and anger washing over me. Pain because I met him almost 3 years ago, we started that whole stupid relationship 3 years ago, and all that time, he was with someone? I had asked him, countless of times if he had a girlfriend and he kept saying no, even his friend (who was also a friend of mine) told he he didn't have one. I felt anger, towards him and towards myself because all the while, he had been messing with my head and I had willingly allowed myself to become a fool. I felt so infuriated at how much I tried to make things work while he was on the other end laughing at how incredibly stupid and gullible I was.

I wanted to confront him, lash out at him and ask him why he didn't tell me. But, what's the point? Sure I'd get some answers, answers that will only further hurt me and humiliate me. I decided to take the road less travelled. You can say I wimped out, but I chose to save myself from further degradation and salvage whatever self-respect I had left for myself. I walked away, erased him from my life, and vow never again to give in to any of his attempts to contact me. I'm taking the high road and I am through with him.

I confided my girlfriend about this and she told me, what if that girl he's talking about was you? Hmm... I pondered on that thought for a second but naahhhhh.... that's just preposterous. I know him, rhetoric and wordplay was never his style. But if that was the case then too bad, he's a little too late. I've moved on, I have someone else in my life. He had his shot, he made a pass, and unlike arcade games, he can't drop a token and press "continue", no second chances.

It's ironic how he dropped the bomb a few days before his birthday. Perhaps to him it was some sick, twisted joke or his maniacal sense of humour which I totally do not get and don't give a damn about. I'm through trying to decode him, trying to help him. He's a big boy now and he's got his girl, she should be the one trying to spell him out and help him. I have my own demons to battle, mountains to conquer and I'm done being his fool.

I guess I'm bitter, but geez, who wouldn't be? But despite the bitter taste in my mouth, I am actually doing fine. I guess I got my closure. He texted me on his birthday, asking me if I had sent him a text cuz he received an international sms and he thought I was the one who sent it. Pretty lame attempt, really and made me chuckle, but I ignored his text. I didn't wanna waste my credits to send out a text message to him. I'd rather save those credits to text my boyfriend.

 In life, we make poor decisions and I am no stranger to that. I'm trying to right the wrongs I have committed in the past, and this blog is one way for me to achieve that. Although this was totally embarrassing, and quite frankly I didn't want to write about this, but I guess I should. They say acceptance starts when you can finally talk about it. I believe I'm at the brink of that and I accept my errs in the past. Although it's difficult, I am starting to forgive myself for allowing myself to be someone's fool. I've learned from it, and I pray I don't make the same mistake again. And to him? Well, I wish him well. No BS, I do. I wish he get his life back on track, pull himself together and that he be happy. And I pray that our paths won't ever cross, cuz he lives in that country where I plan to move and start fresh with my life. I know it's a big country but it's a small world.


B.Inspired said...

Wii...thank you for sharing this with us. I know this was a tough topic to write about but you are right... Once you can talk about it you start to move on. This guy was lousy and no question he didn't have his life together and lacked morals. I firmly believe that what goes around comes around and he will get what is coming to him. While I've only started to learn more about you from this blog, I think you are a fantastic person. You have a great personality, and good morals. Life isn't easy and often times it isn't fair. But if you can live with what you've done at the end of the day, you've made your best attempt. XOX, Sis!

Mikimoto Angel said...

I love this post. I can relate. It's good to know that you're getting better now after the breakup. Poor decisions sometimes lead to good results, just remember that. :-)

ChiChi81 said...

Thank you for your kind words, sis. It means a lot to me. That was one of the pitfalls of my life, something I didn't want to look back on but life experiences, whether good or bad, are our best teacher.


ChiChi81 said...

@Mikimoto Angel: Thank you for the wise words, I shall always put that in mind ;)

The Cat Hag said...

Hmmm, I wonder too if you could have been the girl he mentioned.

I am sorry you are feeling hurt sweetie, but I guess we are destined to meet certain people in life, so we'd know how to treasure the true and sincere ones. ♥

The Cat Hag

*^_^* said...

Nice post! Keep it coming!!

lhamo Mashutzo said...

its long but good one!
its not that easy to write all our feeling just like that,
it takes a lot of courage and u have that..
take care and you are strong i can see that.
i am ur follower and i am glad that i followed U.

Syrious said...

gosh you can not understand how much i'm into you after i read this post!!
i can TOTALLY understand you honey!!!
you wrote a very good post!
cute blog! i'm following you by google friends box hope you'll do the same ONLY if' you'll like mine!
sweet italian kisses

Syriously in Fashion
Syriously Facebook Page

Sara said...

If I could high five you I would, I can’t say I relate, I don’t really do Internet romance but what I do admire is the decision to just ended it and just be done with it, usually people prefer to drag a situation like this forever. I’m with you when you said you don’t have time to fix him, I always say my time it’s too precious to waste on somebody who’s into games, I mean I’m so past high school it’s not even funny! Kisses

P.S I love Harry Potter!

Andrea Marie said...

How brave of you to share that! Although I've never had an internet romance, I and I think so many other people, can relate to a situation like this. I agree with what was said above. People come into our lives for a reason and even though you felt anger, pain, embarrassment at one point, you came out of all this a stronger person and with a clearer eye to see that you deserve better. The only thing that matters is that you are now in a happy place.

Thanks for sharing this! I felt like I was reading an article or a column from a magazine! Loved it :)

xo andrea marie

Arielle. said...

I just discovered your blog and I totally agree.

please follow me if you are into fashion/beauty stuff!!!

zizi bloom said...

Love your blog!
Follow me if you like my blog and I'll follow you back. :)

Peiyinn said...

That's such a great post girl! :D

Lizzy said...

Love this post.U go girl! :D


Ask Erena said...

I think what he put you through made you wise and stronger. If he meant you when he said about "his girl", then it is his lost.. I am so glad that you moved on. Soon you will meet someone nice who will make you forget about this guy..
Ask Erena

Fariha said...

Such a great post,
never look back at th past thats what I always say xx
new follower

Blackswan said...

Thks for sharing your personal story with us, Wi! I'm saddened by what I read. Nevertheless, future's shining brightly ahead & it's his loss & someother's gain. Here's wishing u all the beset!